Fat is NOT always spelled with a PH

God I am bloated.

It seems like every year around Thanksgiving, my pants get tighter. I got dressed this morning and stood in my closet for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what wouldn’t make me look like someone stuffed a bunch of jumbo marshmallows in denim and realized that I couldn’t justify wearing my black silky lounge pants to work. However I find they are perfectly acceptable for wearing to the bar, to a funeral, to a potluck, to a Chip n Dales viewing (animated or adult oriented) and to charity events. I believe wearing them to work might be a stretch (no pun intended). So I tugged on my jeans, put on my boots, looked in the mirror and sobbed like a tween at a Jonas Borther’s concert. Wait, that is a terrible analogy…..those tweens are crying tears of joy, I was crying tears of rotten chubbiness.

I tell ya, I have been trying to eat better, really. Dave made a couple of comments about my food choices over the last few months. Now before your corner Dave in a dark alley and start reciting the vows of Scientology as punishment, please note the guy is concerned about my cholesterol, not my body image. My cholesterol sits about has high as Hiedi Montag’s SAT score: 278. Not a stat that I am proud off. Side Note: A stat I am proud of: High Women’s Average Bowler for our Monday Night Football Bowling League, 5 years in a row……..If it smells like awesome and looks like awesome, it is pretty much awesome.

I ditched the Lipitor a few years back because A) It still didn’t get me below the 200 and B) I was getting leg pains. I feel confident about the decision, but I think I might have gone a little lax in the monitoring what I eat department. I have been trying to eat less cheese, fatty and fried foods and red meat. The meat part might be a little easier since I walked in on my boss skinning or gutting or something to some birds he killed this weekend while hunting. Let me ask you, the reader, is this something you can fear walking in on at your work? I am PRETTY SURE this incident carries a .00008% of probability. It was disgusting and I fear night terrors coming on in tonight’s slumber.

Anyhow, I guess I haven’t been doing too good of job, because look and feel like a pasty white tootsie roll, with the wrapper hanging on for dear life. Some things just can’t be helped. I was born with the body of a bowler, I guess.

Otherwise, life rolls on. Dave and I are jamming out to Phoenix for Turkey Day. I am looking forward to some pool time and some mash potatoes. Mashies have to be one of my top 3 favorite side dishes. Sometimes, when Dave is out of town, I like to throw down some instant mash potatoes for dinner. And this is my entire dinner…..just a big old bowl of sweet, beautiful, yummy and easy-as-making-a-joke-out-of-the-word-caulk mash potatoes. Personally, I am a fan of the Idahoan, more precisely the Roasted Garlic. Their website calls them the industry leader in the instant mash potato market. I gotta think that this industry is doing pretty good in this shitty economy. Note to self, call my broker and BUY Idahoan stock, pronto.

God mashies, you are a delicious beast

Homemade in 4 minutes….sounds like sweet sweet heaven in a bag.

Well, time is a ticking and I have a plane to catch.  Think of poor Gobbles when you are eating the bird this Thanksgiving:

Gobbles?

 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Forwards are Dumb

You know what really grinds my gears? Email forwards chalked full of inaccuracies and lies. I am going to take this short, yet very important post, to serve a public service announcement. If you get a forward, and it contains any of the following:

• Political Mudslinging
• Dangers of food, drink, gas station fill ups, etc.
• Missing People
• Statements from celebrities and news commentators
• Free stuff from retailers

Please do not send it to me prior to checking the validity of the forward at snopes.com. I am truely not passionate about much in life…in fact, what is there? Let’s see, there is Duck sports and burritos, but those are so painfully obvious. Here is one that might come as a surprise to you…..Paul Rudd. I can’t get enough. I mean, I felt something stir inside of me at my first screening of Clueless, but I thought it was just the insane amount of Sour Patch Kids I ate that night. Then I saw him in Anchorman and I thought “Holy crap, I think Brian Fontana is an excellent name for our first born.” I knew he would make my laminated “5 famous people I am allowed to sleep with” list when I saw Knocked Up and although he looked slightly manorexic, I couldn’t stop wondering if we met say, at a bar one night, would he find me funny AND good looking enough to take home? I am pretty sure the answer is a firm “NO”, but a girl can dream, right? Man, can you imagine how excited I was the other night when he was the guest on The Daily Show, hosted by you know who? I just kinda bounced up and down on my bed and rubbed my hands together uncontrollably , like Wheel of Fortune had just called my SPIN ID number. Wow, it is truly shocking I was taken off the market as young as I was……….what a catch.

Zexy Brian Fontana

But I digress. I feel that as a frequent user of the internet, it is my duty to inform others of snopes.com. I am seriously tired of reading bullshit. If I wanted to do that, I would read a fiction book, and we know my attention span won’t allow for that. I can barely focus on completing my shower each morning. If you do not have the time to check our snopes.com, here are a few of the most common pieces of lying crap floating around my inbox from time to time:

~ Plastic in the Microwave won’t kill you.

~ Ashley Flores is not missing.

~ Call a number will not take you off of a Do Not Call list for cell phone solicitors.

~ A teacher does not want you to add your name for a children’s school project.

~ Mountain Dew will not shrink your testicles.

The list goes on and on. Please, just stop sending me this. I do however, thoroughly enjoy hilarious forwards and encourage such to be emailed.

Well, I am short on time, but I feel with old man winter recently slapping his fridged balls against my face, I should have plenty more time to enlighten you, the reader, on exceptionally unimportant things occuring in my little bubble of a world. How lucky are you?

I have found this clip from The Soup to be rather enjoyable and has consequently skewed my thoughts on Britney’s new song “Womanizer” for the better. Dig it!