Today is it. Today I turn thirty. I have decided to write it out intead of using numbers because I am a sophisticated, well rounded woman. I also now share the same birthday as J. Lo’s twins. Terrific.
I am going to get rather drunk tonight, in a most likely unattractive way. If cameras are present, I will most likely post the funny photos, but certainly not the humiliating ones. Yes, even I have insecure standards.
My day thus far has progressed well, with various phone calls, texts and emails from friends and family. I was enormously happy when the donut fairy showed up with 2 chocolate goodies on my desk. I ate one, saved the other for tomorrow when I just might be very “cruda” as my amigos at work say. I am only a few minutes away from my first beverage. I am going to mix booze tonight and I don’t care. But I will care tomorrow, when I am hungover, throwing up and officially 30. Oh boy, will I care.
But, time is of the essenece and as two wise men from Spike’s TV’s MXC often say:
Last Friday we took a little trip to Blackhawk to get our gamble on. It was Nick’s birthday and what a better way to celebrate than throwing back some drinks, pulling some slots and working some tables. Blackhawk is no Vegas mind you. Think Vegas, downsize it 95%, take away the weather, drop the maximum bet to $5 and add in an old mining town with cold ass temperatures and you have Colorado gambling. You know what though? At least we have it (I’m looking at you, Utah).
Blackhawk is about an hour and forty five minutes away from home in the winter. We promptly left after work and we were immediately in need of making a food decision. Although Beau Jos sounded tasty, there was no way our stomachs were going to last that long. I was delighted, yet somewhat disheartened with myself, when Dave suggested Chimayo. Of course……a burrito joint would be perfect and it was only 45 minutes away. Am I losing my touch? How did this idea not dawn on my magnificant brain?
We polished off Chimayo in T minus 10 minutes. Certainly not the most delicious burrito I have ever encountered, but it sufficed. We headed to Blackhawk, where Dave proceeded to sit at the Blackjack table until 2 am (when Blackhawk closes). I proceeded to wander the slots, get railroaded at the Wheel of Fortune game, befriend a bartender and get positively hammered. My biggest mistake of the night was capping off the evening with a White Russian. No, not an actual White Russian, but the drink. You guys are perverts. Anyway, everyone knows that if you have been sticking to beer the whole night, never, I repeat NEVER, switch to a cocktail that involves milk. Dammit, why was I so stupid? It is like eating a bag of prunes and then sticking a cork in your ass……you just aren’t going to feel good.
Since Blackhawk closes at 2 am, we lumbered back to the room we were sharing with Griff. Despite my agressive warnings to Griff that there is a very small window of opportunity to go to sleep before the onslaught of Dave’s snoring, he failed to understand the urgency. Dave snoring without booze is horrendous. Dave snoring after booze consumption have lead some to hysteria. I offered the bed closest to the window for Griff, in case he wanted to throw himself out of it, but he refused. Before Griff knew what hit him, that steamship was blowing its horn. Poor bastard.
But then, around 4 am, it hit. I immediately woke to unimaginable pain in my stomach. I thought that maybe I had accidentally swallowed a Chinese Star. And then to top it off, I realized that my hangover had already set in. I felt trapped. Normally when I awake to a hangover I do everything in my power to go back to sleep. I often imagine James Lipton reading a speech to me about the origins of the donut and it usually lulls me back to slumber. But this time, the rat stuck in my stomach had no intentions of sleep. To top it off, it was 90 degrees in our room, but I was too sick and hungover to find the thermostat. It was hell, I tell you.
I managed to sleep for about 20 minutes to the hour until daylight hit. I wasn’t ready to hit the bathroom yet and frankly, I didn’t want anyone to be in the room when that unfolded. I don’t know if you have noticed this, but almost all hotel bathrooms do not have fans. It is cruel and unusual punishment. How do you have a toilet 5 feet from where you sleep and eat and not have a frickin’ fan? Dave and Griff, thankfully, decided to hit the tables early the next morning. After a shower, some tea, some Game Day and some alone time, I decided to brave the elements. My stomach was oh so tired, but still felt hungry. A sought out a bagel place and ordered an egg sandwich. I thought I might pass out while I waited for the lady to make it, so I steadied myself at the counter. I could barely fumble money out of my purse and the sandwich lady looked at me sympathetically. I hurried back to the blackjack table where Dave was and attempted to eat my sandwich. I took two bites and I thought that I was going to implode. I hastily throw it int he trash and sulked at my situation. I told Dave how I felt and he summed it up perfectly:
“It was Chimayo. That place was gross. Didn’t you see the guy taking out the trash right before he made your burrito?”
Well, no I didn’t. Crap, looks like I am going to have to add another burrito joint that my body physically can no longer handle. This, my friends, is the downside of losing the 20 pounds more I had in college. However, it is the only downside.
On a totally different note, a fantastic thing happened a few weeks ago. As many of you know, we have had some trying experiences with DirectTv in regards to the Fox Sports package. Almost everyone I talked to told me that they paid and extra $5 and were able to receive all of the Fox Sports channels. This is a fantastic plan for Dave and I, since we always want to watch Illinois and Oregon. Well, the customer service reps must have our picture next to their computer screen with profanities written acrossed it, because despite numerous efforts, we were never able to obtain this package. That was until a few weeks ago when the Duck/ Stanford game was on Fox Sports Northwest. I clicked on the channel, fully anticipating to cry once again, only to have the game appear. I can’t really explain my actions, but I spun around in a circle on the kitchen floor, pumped my fist in a Tiger Woods motion, made an awkward jump similar to Phil Mickelson when he won his first Major and then smiled. I also realized that the kitchen window faces directly into the neighbors and they were probabaly consoling their children for this unfortunate display. The only problem was at this time, I thought it might be a fluke. It was like the Friends episode when they get free porn and don’t want to turn the TV off, in fear of losing the porn. Fox Sports was my porn of the moment.
Well my friends, rest assured that we still receive all Fox Sports channels and I am pretty sure it wasn’t the porn gods, but rather that they are in HD and are a part of our HD package. Rockin’ balls, I say.
Well, I will leave you with this very short, yet hilarious gem of a clip. The guys I work with showed me this about a year ago and I still crack up everytime I watch it.
