Evite Confirms Area Woman’s Friendships

Vail, CO – An area woman routinely checking the status of her recent Evite invitation has come to a bold, and somewhat sad realization that the Evite she has sent to her 70 closest friends is the sole basis she now uses to confirm her friendships.  “I always wondered who was really my friend and this online tool is giving me these burning answers with 100% certainty,” stated the insecure and only moderately attractive woman.  The woman, who admits to checking the status of her invitees two to three time a day, originally sent the Evite to her “bitchin’” party almost a week ago and is particularly annoyed at those who have read the invite, but have yet to make a response. “You know,” the small breasted woman abruptly announced, “if these so called friends knew that Evite shows me the date that they read the invite, then maybe they would realize the pain and heartache that they are causing me by not even responding.” To which she added, ”There is a “Maybe” response section for a reason douchebags.”  To date, her “Yes” responses have outweighed her “Maybe” and “No” responses, but there are still a large number of “Not Yet Replied.” At this time, the woman, who some may describe as “packing a lot of junk in the trunk”, is feeling great about her “yes” to “no” response ratio and believes that it directly correlates to her increased level of self-esteem.  However, even she admits that many have yet to respond, which may lead to a deep depression dependant upon attendance.  Despite the unknown, the woman appears to be upbeat.  “With the help of Evite, my confidence level is stronger than ever,” the woman exclaimed, who may or may not be partially retarded.  “However, if I get too many more “No” responses like Briauna “Briaujuana” Smythe, or if people like “mallinson” don’t even bother to respond, let’s just say there are going to be a lot less Christmas cards sent out this year.”

Quack Attack

 

Teabagging, showboating, sucker punches and a one game suspension.  Sounds like entertainment to me. Go Ducks!

I’m No Prize But That Was Crap

Unless you have been living in Colorado City the past few days, you have heard about, or most likely seen, the shitastic performance that is Britney Spears.  I, like many, watched it on Sunday night.  Well, I didn’t really watch it, but made frequent peeks at the trainwreck on my tv.  It was different than a trainwreck though, because you can’t stop staring at tragedy.  This wasn’t a tragedy, it was just very, very embarassing.  It reminded me of this one time I was in a pageant.  Yes, I just admitted that I was once in a pageant.  Spoiler alert, you will be absolutely stunned to learn that I didn’t even place in the top three.  I don’t think I even received a yellow ribbon for participation.  How I moved on with my life is beyond me.  Anyway, I was a junior in high school and it was a pageant amongst a bunch of girls selected from various high schools.  The awards were scholarships and seeing as how money and I are BFFs, I decided to participate.  The worst part of the whole thing was the talent section, because outside of a pretty accurate jumpshot (by jumpshot, I mean basketball shooting skills.  I have a credit card jumping ability), I am plum ass untalented.  I can’t public speak, I certainly can’t sing and I never took a strong interest in the magic kit I got for Christmas in elementary school.  The only thing I could think of was tap dancing.  I had taken classes for 10 years, so I did have a bit of rhythm in me.  “What the hell”, I surmised.  Nevermind I hadn’t ACTUALLY TAP DANCED in several years.  So off I went, practicing on my bathroom floor.

I choreographed the whole thing myself.  This was probably my first mistake.  Secondly, I practiced in my bathroom.  Not exactly stage worthy.  But I worked hard, and it was looking ok in the mirror.  But then Spring Break came around and Mexico was by far the more entertaining choice.  I ate a lot of mexican food and drank many a daquiris (non-alcoholic, mind you, because I was 16 and I was with my parents).  Maybe I had a jello shot, who knows.  My point is fun in the sun and partying was a way better gig than practicing for a pageant.  When I got back home and had a practice run through for the pageant, I couldn’t remember any of my routine, much less how to gracefully tap dance.  When they called my name is when it actually hit me how unprepared I was.  Hey, I never claimed to be the smartest mule amongst a bunch of jack asses.   Well, I sucked big time.  There was no flow and you could hear a pin drop.  Even though it was dress rehersal, I was pretty mortified at myself (but also slightly humored by my horrific effort, I must admit).  My point is, drinking, Mexico and sun are a lot more fun that practicing for a performance.  Substitute Vegas in the last line and add millions of dollars and I can see why Britney didn’t want to practice.  By no means should she have ever of signed up in the first place, but I think the reason I couldn’t look at her show on Sunday night is I saw a little of my high school self in that performace, with exception of the sparkly catastrophy that was her outfit.  Good lord, if you aren’t keen on working out, get some clothes on.

But Brit Brit wasn’t the only shit show on Sunday night.  Overall, the whole VMAs blew.  I can see why kids have ADD.  Every 2 minutes it was switching venues, music or presenter locations.  There wasn’t a host, which disappointed me because I thought Sarah Silverman would have definitely made the whole experience a lot better.  Maybe I am 29 and too old for the VMAs.  Maybe I should just packed it all up and give the Tony Awards a chance instead.  Or, maybe I should just watch TiVo’d Dance Off Pants Off next time.

On a better award show note, guess who is going to be hosting the Academy Awards again??????

 

My dreamy JonnyBoy.  He may only be about 5′ 6″, but if he showed up at my house with a bag of Larkburger in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other I would sequester Dave to the basement and live out my exempt list (after I eat the Larkburger of course….you don’t want it to get cold).  I don’t give a pooptymonger about the Oscars, but I sure do care about this guy.  Way better choice than Seacrest.  Please, will someone tell me why Seacrest hosts everything????? Someone???  Anyone???  If Seacrest could be replaced by Joel McHale, the world would be a heck of a lot funnier.  Anyway, don’t bother me on my birthday weekend (unless you are bringing me Shiraz, Seagram’s 7, Mirror Pond Ale or a new Vespa) because I will be dancing with my lifesize cut out of Jon during the Academy Awards.  Dave is one lucky dude.

Speaking of the world not being very funny, did any of you read about Kathy Griffith’s comments after she won an Emmy for her reality show  My Life on the D-List?  Well, in case you missed it, here is the quote:

‘A lot of people get up here and thank Jesus for helping them win this award, but I have to say nobody has been less helpful in getting me to this moment than Jesus. I don’t know what I ever did to him, I just think he doesn’t like me that much, and if he had his way, Caesar Milan would be holding this statue right now, but he’s not and I am! So I guess all I can really say is, ‘Suck it, Jesus! This statue is my God now!”’

Now some folks are all up in arms because of this comment.  Get a life people.  She didn’t hurt your dog or tell you not to believe in Jesus, she just gave her funny spin on all of those people who ALWAYS thank Jesus for their award.  You don’t hear Jewish people freakin’ out when that happens, do ya?  If you want to get your panties, or manties, in a wad over something, pick a more important topic…like Ryan Secrest’s employment opportunities!  BTW- Jane, I do not care if he is from Georgia….he is still a douche in my book.

With all that said, with the exception of when Jon Stewart is hosting, I am going to limit my future award show viewing.  I think moving forward the only award I am going to care about is who is having The Best Week Ever http://www.bestweekever.tv/. That, my friends, is quality television.

You Know You Are Getting Close to 30 When…..

….you are a total bitch when your comfort is compromised.

Take last Thursday.  We were graciously given free Broncos tickets through Dave’s work to their last pre-season game.   Since we had four tickets, another couple from Dave’s work joined us.  It sounded great.  Late summer football is perfect.  Not too cold, not too hot…yes, it is just right.  I could have a few cold ones, enjoy some semi poor, almost pro football under the stars without wearing 3 layers of clothing, with handwarmers shoved in my shoes and mittens praying for the game to just be done.  Shiz, I could even eat some Dippin Dots.  The big cherry on top is I even get to leave work an hour early.  Delish.

Not so fast my friend.  My first 20% of bitchiness came the moment I found out that another couple that lives in Vail was also going to the game and we were going to ride together.  Typically this wouldn’t be a big deal, but as I immediately pondered this new twist in my comfort, I realized that our car selection was a 4 door Audi and a 4 door Maxima.  Sweet. This is going to be freakin’ awesome.

So the Maxima is the big winner.  Five adults on a 2 hour drive to Denver with a 6th to be picked up off of 6th Avenue. Guess who is going to not only be bitchy, but will probably sit bitch?  Ah yes, your clastrophobic meets car sick author. I would have given up a month of Peppermint Patties and Diet Dr. Pepper just to be sitting on my deck drinking a Marg at this point.  Why again are we taking only 1 car?

Two miles into the ride my bitchiness meter read 40%.  Things that were coming out of my mouth were rude, not funny and annoying.  I could hear it, but I didn’t care.  This sucks.  I am still annoyed writing this post.  I had to sit half tilted.  Everyone else seemed fine.  Those drinking and laughing bastards. I am sure they were comfortable in their normal bucket seat while I straddle the midget bump with the AC and collective burps blowing in my general direction. 

I thought my bitchiness meter would drop when we started taking about food, but boy was I wrong.  My imagination had us stopping at Sonic in Denver, where I could eat the vajayjay out of some burgers, tots and a Sunrise Smoothie.  Rainbows and Unicorns would bounce around as I molested my Sonic.  I almost smiled.  But then……

“Let’s get Beau Jos to go.”  What????  Who are you and are you smoking dope?  Where the hell are we going to fit 2 pizza boxes in the Maxima.  I mean, I love Beau Jos as much as the next person, but we are in a Maxima for kitten’s sake!!!!!! 

Bitchiness Meter As Order Is Phoned In: 62%

Bitchiness Meter After Order is Picked Up: 81%

Beers, wine, mountains of pizza, ranch and honey everywhere.  It was a food orgy that would normally be euphoric, but was instead a clusterphuk.  The highlight was the driver’s accidental fling of the sweaty pizza crust onto my knee.  Oh Sonic, why were you dismissed so carelessly?????  I will never betray you again!

We pick up the 6th passenger, where life is slightly better sitting on Dave’s lap in the front passenger seat.  I realize through my bitchiness that I am the only one not drunk.  One near accident, one near DUI and 30 minutes later we get to the stadium.  I was like a big black bear lumbering through the crowd, ignoring stares and looking for something to growl at.  Instead I retreated to the beer station to plop down $6.50 for a plastic Coors Light bottle.  I wasn’t perfect, but I was better.

Bottom Line:  I am too old for tight spaces.  Insert joke here.

Now onto lighter notes:

Oregon @ Michigan (1:30 MDT): I should be at this game, but for heart wrenching reasons, I am not.  My 3 girlfriends will be there and I will maim two of them if I hear that they openly root for the Wolverines (the other is a lost cause).  I remember a couple of years ago when Michigan was ranked in the top 5 and danced into Autzen Stadium for a loss.  I was ill on my couch at home and decided to spend $14.95 on PPV for the game.  I remember thinking that I hope I am not throwing my money away on a craptacular loss.  Like the miracle of life, the huge Duck win cured my illness.  I am not sick this week, but another win in the early rounds of Oregon season and another loss for the Wolverines in the Big House might cause me to pee a little in my pants.  And that my friends, would be a good thing.

Britney Spears Comeback: Have you heard her new song?  It’s ok.  No Toxic or I’m A Slave 4 U, but it is decent.  As much as I would like to see her make a comeback, I am going to set the odds at 100:1 for this year.  D-Snax has a bet with a co worker that she will be dead by the end of the year.  I guess I am being generous.

(BTW, yes, I am 29 and yes I do have a creepy draw the Britney Spears.  I also still drink chocolate milk.  I am the definition of cool.)

New Candy Bar: 3 Musketeers has developed a mint flavored Fluffy Nugget.  It is like a Peppermint Pattie humped a 3 Musketeers.  Need I say more?

Best New Line of the Week: Instead of “Don’t Sweat the Petty” I will from now on will only drop the line “Don’t Pet the Sweaty.”

Sweaty Balls Out…….